Am I okay?

5/27/09
Okay, okay clock’s ticking. Now comes the first hurdle. The money. Oh the money. Actually the money isn’t the first hurdle. Thinking about the money is the first hurdle. Thinking about what I’m going to get for the money. After all, this seems like a lot of money. Two semesters will equal a third of the cost of all of my four years at SFSU. Jesus, I could buy a car, well, a used car. But a real good used car for this kind of money. And then if I spend this money, and if I get my teaching credential, am I going to find peace and contentment? Fulfillment maybe?
I don’t know, but I want to know. I want to know is that I’m making the correct decision, I want to know… what? Hell, I want to know the future. The future. My future. All of a sudden, really this is sudden although I’ve thought of a version of this for about twenty years, I’ve made this pretty big decision. If you know me, you’ll know one thing for sure, I hate what I’m doing for work now and if you’ve known me for a long time you’ll know that I’ve disliked my trade for many years. This decision to become a high school teacher and bail on the trade that I feel has abandoned me so many years ago isn’t really so grand. So why does borrowing money to follow an idea that just might work seem so daunting?
So far, I’ve run this insanity past a few friends of mine, the only reply I’ve had so far is unequivocal. I respect my neighbor Scott, he’s smart, and a decision maker and when I run what I think is this huge dilemma past him as he’s pulling out of our apartment buildings garage he doesn’t hesitate, “Do it.”
“What?” I believe I’m looking at him in the pose of the RCA dog.
He does an exaggerated head nod, and speaks more slowly this time. “Do it.”
“Really?”
He laughs, “Jesus, are you serious?”
I nod dumbly, “Ugh huh.”
“You’d be happy, you’d be a great teacher.”
Of course I think he’s doing the guy thing and jiving me – but maybe not.